"Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it."
- Brené Brown -
Let me be clear on one thing, my writing will not be clean, meaning I will throw one bad word here and there. What I'm trying to do here is to make these articles as honest as possible for them to penetrate your mind and be with you for as long as you allow them.
It is believed that in life we have a series of choices - and don't get me wrong, we do. Nevertheless our choices are driven - consciously or unconsciously - by factors such as our personality, our habits, and the environment we live in, and so many others. I'm no psychologist whatsoever but I have my fair share of knowledge in this area.
Each individual had a different childhood or life experience until now. Even if we are aware or not, for the most part we were shaped by our upbringing, and our current or past choices were shaped by our patterns. If these patterns come from unhealed traumas, that will determine if we're fucked or not.
So how do we even know what choices that have molded our current reality were on a conscious or subconscious level? How do we know if all of this is part of a pattern? What seems / feels familiar is healthy or unhealthy? Is this the reality we always wanted and hoped for as kids? Is our inner child happy?
I'm getting anxious by writing these questions that have haunted me - in a good way - for some years now. But let me start from the beginning since none of this is about me, is about you. I experience you learn. That's our relationship fellow reader.
How it all started:
I wish I could write a book about this, - inshallah* one day - but for now this is the article that literally explains why you're here and the reason why this webpage exists.
I hate to admit it but it is all because I loved a man. How basic right? Nevertheless he was only the kickstart, nothing else is not about him. Don't judge we need all need to Kintsugi* our hearts however we see fit and this was my way of healing. It still is. I heal through writing. If I were a singer as talented and famous as Adele or Taylor Swift I would have created a highly relatable heartbreaking grammy worthy music album, but for now, this is what I have and this is what you get. Don't worry, in time you'll get more. Be patient.
I was half way in my university career and not even in a million years did I ever imagine I could fall that deep and become so depressed that the only way out was to allow this pain to be felt, and - miraculously - enjoy the pain, create art with it and move on. Is not that I didn't have previous experience - both personal and from others - on how to detect- yet not avoid - broken men. I also grew up wishful thinking that love could save me. This was just a younger and more naive version of me. To be fair this were my baby adult years, and I do justify myself with innocence, lack of self love, and unhealed trauma that I didn't even know was there.
It was a PATTERN. We need to be careful with what seems familiar to us, sometimes familiar doesn't necessarily mean healthy. The moment I saw him, I was instantly attracted and drawn to him. It was, in my case, fatal attraction. In the end he didn't kill me, but my God I felt like I was dying. I chose myself and didn't look back. I wanted him and I knew - for several and 3rd part reasons - that I was going to have to deal with a lot of consequences. It meant a lot to choose him. But by choosing him I was also choosing me. That was lesson number 1.
The equation I created in my head, was perfect, yet there was one variable I didn't consider: him. Execution on my end of my equation was wrong for the most part. The result? He didn't choose me ... He had chosen me at some point but I was too afraid to allow myself to even notice or believe that I could be loved, that I was deserving of something that good. I was a broken girl with big unhealed scars. I chose me but I didn't do it completely, subconsciously I didn't feel deserving of any of this.
After him, I just fell down the rabbit hole of depression seeking cheap dopamine to make me feel better. Like an addict, I was going through withdrawal. My brain translated him leaving with the same effect an addict experiences when they go through rehab. Fast forward a few months after he disappeared from my life, in a fortunate series of events, I was advised by my higher self that I needed to - temporarily - withdraw from university and change my entire life. I couldn't heal in the same place and environment that broke me. I couldn't heal if I was doomed to see him everyday.
Acknowledging that I had to heal was lesson number 2. I should have never underestimated the power of therapy.
But this is not about him, at least not entirely. This canonic heartbreaking event for me was only the kickstart to actually start living and becoming the person I've always wanted to be. It was the beginning of a much needed healing process. I was going to kill that version of me and create the new one. I'm still a masterpiece in the making and so are you. Nevertheless I didn't have a guru nor a leader to look up to in this whole process, but I had life teachers and most importantly, I was all ears and received their lessons and knowledge with open arms. You're lucky fellow reader. Not only will I be your guide, but I'll experience things so you dont have to ... unless you want to. I'll experience both the good and the bad and all this knowledge will go to you.
To live is to choose constantly. Today, I thank him for showing me that I needed to "fix" myself. I thank him because he was a hard punch in the face with a big message: WAKE UP. I thank him, even if he now knows about it or not.
Today is NOT about me. This is about YOU. WAKE UP.
This is why we're here, you and me. I'm writing, you're reading. This is the reason why all of this started, you're the reason why. You don't necessarily need to go through a canonic event in your life in order for you to wake up. You don't necessarily have to get your heart broken, loose your job, loose a friend, or put you're whole life in pause to actually start living.
They say we all have a third eye. This third eye connects us to our higher self and it makes us more conscious of who we are and how we react to life. I guess is time you open your heart and WAKE UP. See but most importantly observe beyond what is shown to us. Ruin and chaos are a gift if we understand it & know how to channelize them correctly in order to create a better and higher version of ourselves.
"Okay yeah, whatever we've all been heartbroken at one point, this doesn't tell me anything." No, it doesn't but consider this a wake up call. Not everyone gets to have one and most people spend years living with unhealed trauma thinking "this is normal, this is who I am and there is nothing I can do about it."
The following are a series of steps and questions you may want to ask yourself in order to become the better version of you. As I previously mentioned, this is not about me, this is about you.
WARNING THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS MAY BE UNCOMFORTABLE FOR SOME READERS, NO DISCRETION ADVISED ONLY BRAVERY TO READ THEM AND ACTUALLY ANSWER THEM.
1. Stand up and walk to the nearest room with a mirror. Look, and most importantly, OBSERVE yourself. Now ask yourself:
If I were someone else, would I date me?
2. List 3 things you love about yourself and list 3 others you're not so comfortable with. Then ask:
Am I the living representation of everything I ever dreamed of?
Is this version of me making my inner child proud?
3. How does the person you want to become look like? How does her/his life look like? Are you already that person? If you're not, how far are you from becoming that person?
Am I the living representation of my dream life?
Am I living my dream life?
4. How far away - or close for that matter - are you from that ideal version of you?
Have I been true to myself?
Is my current reality something I created for myself or did others choose this for me?
Are my choices leading me to the life I want?
You may or may have not asked this to yourself before. If you have congratulations, it is time to take action. If this is the first time you have wondered this about yourself then go ahead, answer these questions even if they mean uncomfortable truths. After you have honestly answered them, take action my dear reader.
This is your time. Make it count. We have a whole life ahead of us and yet the only thing we can rely on is time being on a constant countdown ready to crush us the exact moment we cease to exist and realize if we lived well or not.
The fun part? There is no actual correct definition on living well. You decide how and what that is.
Live in the NOW and create for YOURSELF a better TOMORROW.
Choose BETTER. Choose to live a life without negative or unhealed patterns. Choose a healthy mindset.
Open your eyes. This is why you're here. This is only the beginning.
THANK YOU FOR READING
* Inshallah: "If God wants" in Arabic.
* Kintsugi: "To fix and put together broken pieces with gold". Therefore it becomes more valuable.
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